There are so many things about me that seem so unfamiliar to me. I guess maybe when you are walking a certain path with only one goal in view you lose sight of all the things around you. It reminds me of when I was in college and I did my internship in Amarillo...I would drive back to Canyon in the afternoon and would all of a sudden be in Canyon and not remember one bit of the drive...I must have been daydreaming or whatever. At any rate it always freaked me out when that happened thinking..."what did I miss" or "oh my gosh I could have wrecked". Well, the last few years I have sort of lived my life the same way I used to make that drive. I had one thing I was looking at and everything else fell to the side.
Sadly one of those things I fear was my ability to parent the way I should. I spent so much time focusing on keeping the house clean, the yard mowed, the groceries bought, the activities situated, etc...that I failed to spend more time just enjoying it. I will admit that we did have our fun and that I tried my best, but I know I could have done better. I could have made those times at home more fun, put more effort into them in the moment than in planning for a moment. I look back and really cherish when mom and I took them to Albaquerque to the fair this year. Poor Kaytlee was sick and we almost cancelled, but I am so glad we didn't. We had a blast eating, swimming, doing all those fun fair things...and both girls were just amazing. They loved the excitement and the attention...I am hoping to keep building awesome memories like that with them, and lots more Dance Parties at home, girly movies, pit fun, etc. The last few months have been amazing.
Another thing I neglected to notice or take care of were my friendships. I know there were a few that I was able to keep a slight grasp on, but I know there are many that suffered. I know they don't judge me and that they now have better understanding of all of those cancelled plans, declined invites, etc. One of my greatest joys and biggest blessings are my friends...I love them so much. I take a lot of pride in the friendships I have made over the years. I always sort of stand in awe at how many people I truly consider to be a "FRIEND" and not just an acquaintance. My friends are always able to amaze me with their love and consideration to. They jump to my defense as I do theirs, they cry with me, laugh with me, and they don't forget me. I have been so lucky to have all of these people in my life right now and look forward to years and years of more memories with each of them.
My family also took a beating over the years. I tried to fix it though. I did realize this earlier than maybe I cared to the other areas. I tried to visit home more to spend time with my brother and his family and let him know that I love him and missed my "home". I do lots of stuff with my mom because lets face it she is my best friend as far as that goes, and she is always the first in line when something great or grave happens in my life. Still I think she too felt a little neglected and well I can't even own up to the neglect that mamaw took. I used to be able to visit so much more and I am definitely gonna get that remedied asap! I love to go do her hair and nails and just listen to her stories of how she loved my Daddy-Bud, about her life in business college, going to Washington to work during the war, and so much more. She is truly facinating.
Well here I am on this journey and I have finally looked up and I see exactly where I am at. I have my eyes on the mark, but I also see the scenery this time. I notice those around me, I notice the effects of things around me, I see good and I see bad. I see joy and I see pain. Now I have to pay close attention to all of these things and take care of them so that I don't have to feel that panic of arriving at the wrong destination with no recollection of how I got there.
First step is to allow myself to realize I only have one shot at living my life. I may even have only one road to travel...yet how I travel and how I get there is up to me. I don't wanna hold out any more from people I love. I don't want to pretend things are perfect when they aren't, I don't want to miss opportunities, I don't want to be in constant preparation for things to go badly. These are things I am so accustomed to I don't really even know how to change. I simply can't live on eggshells waiting for the end of something and miss out on the whole experience. No one deserves that...especially ME! You heard me...I said me. I finally feel like I am getting to that place where for once I have an opinion and I feel like I possibly deserve something.
I may not make the best of choices all the time, but the ones I make have a reason. I am going to make sure that in the future of my life that I always make decisions with my eyes fully open to everything in front, around and even sometimes behind me in mind. I will not go forth in a daze any longer.
Funny thing about this is...now that I am looking around me...some things look strikingly familiar...now how is that possible?
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