Struck!

I am in battle with myself over so many things right now. I have so many things up in the air all at once. I feel like one minute I am on track and then boom. I am struck with the pangs of reality. I didn't get the job I wanted. I haven't heard back from the three I have some hope in, and have applied for a dozen more. Now I wait.
Reminds me of being little and waiting to open Christmas presents...the agony of the waiting was devastating. I spend my time waiting panicking and over analyzing and basically working myself into a frenzy. What the heck? I have to find calm in this storm that is raging around me. I need an anchor that lies within myself and not someone else.
I feel like I am in a tiny rescue boat with two precious children in tow. It feels awful. They didn't ask to be tossed out to sea. They don't deserve the effects of these raging waters. Little do they know it's my own tears we are drowning in. I can't get too scared. I have to get us to shore. I can't let myself be weak. I can't grab hold of the dangerous unknown boats that try and save me. No. I have to do this myself...for them. I have to be brave.
I went into this thinking I had a team. It was our decision. It was what was best. I was setting not only myself free but him too. We wanted to tread waters as friends and not let the other one drown. Is this the plan? Or did I miss a step? Did I jump in the water or was I thrown in? I can't even tell anymore. All I know is that the storm is getting bigger. I have been struck more than once. I have too much to give up...please please please Lord let me be strong enough to make it.

Real Tough...Real Rough

I have recently been forced to deal with all things real...some tough and some rough. Sadly those close to me are having to deal with those things too. My reality is different than what many may have wanted or expected, but it's not theirs to change or judge. I have made choices and I am at TOTAL peace with each and every one!
Where it gets rough for me is when my reality gets tossed in the mix with someone else's. I don't think this is fair and I am putting an end to it. I am ending a marriage; it's a done deal. I don't want to ask for prayers for healing for my marriage...those times have passed. All I want is prayers for peace and healing and friendship. This may sound harsh, but again this is my reality...one I have been living in and one you can't understand unless you could see in my brain or feel the wounds in my heart. I have been able to put all of that down and move forward.
My reality now is that God has shown himself more to me in the process of divorce than I have felt in years. I had honestly almost felt and practically believed I had been forgotten...not just by people but by God. Clearly that was not true. I now believe that the journey I took made me stronger by making me feel my weakest. It gave me appreciation for what I want and desire that I may not have had before. I am more compassionate to others feelings, perceptions, and circumstances because I have had an inside look at the horrors of tribulation and trials. I am more eager and anxious to love again where I thought I might be afraid. I am working on my inner demons that have haunted me since I was a child and am really trying to set them down. I have witnessed pain and I can be sensitive to it. I fought hard and I can appreciate others battles.
It's tough to have to hurt others in your own quest to healing and happiness. I can't be forced to carry someone's guilt, or to feel bad for their burden. We all make choices, we all have consequences. I don't desire bad things on anyone, in all honesty I would be happy to just all get along...leave the past at the door and try to just get through tomorrows. I know God has taken people out of my life, but I also know he has placed some in it...in his always perfect timing. I know it's tough and I know it's rough, but my reality is going from grey sky's and storms to rainbows and starlight. God didn't forget me...I needed to go through the entire journey to appreciate what was on the other side.

Real Heavy!

Sometimes I think we are so busy with 'life' that we don't realize how much baggage we are lugging around. In the past few months I have made more than a few life changing decisions. Each of them have a large amount of hurt or responsibility to be dealt with. Well as I have began the process of loading up all this new baggage I have realized I have way too much old baggage still upon me. Some lays heavy on my heart, some heavy on my conscience, some heavy on my mind, etc.

What I have realized is that I have become soooo used to trying to make everyone around me happy as to not disappoint or whatever that I totally took a backseat to anything for me. I have some stuff to let go of and allow myself to be freed from the heavy heart and the heavy hurt. So let's break this down a little.

My old crappy baggage is way too heavy, it's full of years of damage and quite frankly it gets in my way! I am not about to let this darn stuff ruin my chances for happiness. I can see it happening right now and even though I know and I don't wanna do it...something about this luggage is bound to me. Part of the problem might be that some of my new baggage hopped in this suitcase...so how do I possibly remedy this quickly? This luggage has a name: abandonment. It started years ago when I realized my dad left and he never looked back...I wasn't enough to look back at. This realization was made when I was young and although I tried to pretend I didn't care and was better off; truth is that this one event would lead to the heaviest of my burdens. The rest of my life I have watched loved ones come into my life and then want to leave. How can I not take this personally? Why am I so leavable? Why am I not enough?

I dont have the energy for this particular baggage and yet I don't have the strength to remove it either. So now what? How can I remove this piece so that I dont panic and hold on too tight and force people out? Truth is I know I am my best version of me when I am confident and feel safe...yet that baggage starts to get heavy again and then I get scared and become in my opinion the worst version of me. I don't want this...my future doesn't deserve this.

I have to try...weak or not it's worth it to me to chunk this darn ridiculous amount of weight off of my life so that I can finally move forward possibly feeling like I deserve something, that I am worthy, that someone maybe fears my leaving as much as I would theirs, that I am lovable...I want someone to tell me just how stupid my dad was. How crazy he was. How he missed out on amazing and not the other way around.

This kind of stuff gets real heavy sometimes. I can't keep adding unless I start removing because it is ruining my life and I am over that...I am marching forward to happiness and greatness!

Getting to the "real" stuff...

Well, my reality has been sort of waved around like a flag at the Fourth of July. It has gone from here to there and basically up and down and all around. I have spent a decade in a marriage that is now ending and I am forced to answer questions like:
How? Why? Now what? What about this? What about that?

You know I spent soooo many years just choosing to do what I thought was right. I would let the heartache fall somewhere in the far depths of my feelings and march forward with an arsenal of hope, mind numbing distractions, false smiles, etc. heck I was so good at pretending my life was okay that I probably would have or maybe could have kept that up forever. But at what cost?

Now that I have been freed from the pretending I have walls that are coming down slowly. Where I had built a wall that said it was okay to never have passion, I have now seen it. The wall that said I have to make everything okay has started to come down and I realize I can't always make it okay. The wall that said I didn't need or deserve real love has fallen down completely and I know I want to be loved and I want to love. I want my girls to see real love...real friendship...real honesty.

I am trying hard to not be bitter. I am focusing ONLY on the blessings this new chapter will reveal. I have no time to focus on the past, the hurt, the what ifs. This IS my reality. I tried. I failed. I will get back up. I will keep moving forward. I will find strength somewhere. I have to keep believing that everything happens for a reason. Isn't that what you always hear when something terrible happens. Well...I have to believe that. Otherwise what's the point? Why keep going?

My reality may look broken to those of you looking at it now, but it is actually finally being mended from where it has broken for so long. I was just never brave enough to tell you. Now I am.

I am good. I am becoming stronger every day. I am happy. I am blessed.