I am finally realizing things about me, my life, my family, my friends, my expectations, etc. The thing about realizing is that it isn't always a good thing. Sometimes we realize that things aren't what they seem, or worse...they aren't what we want or need. So sometimes we tend to push those realizations aside and march forth hoping they will change themselves or that we are just wrong about it. Experience has taught me that you probably aren't wrong and odds of changing things are very low. So....
I am moving forward with some issues. I realize this. I hate this. I have to accept it. I can let this bump in the road derail my journey or I can just get over it and move forward. People in my life are forced to sort of deal with the process of me learning the way and this is again a reality I am not a fan of. I just wish I was down the road a ways already ya know.
I have realized that I can't make things happen. By this I mean...I can't change someone else and even worse I have little luck changing myself. Now I don't want to change myself in many ways and it's possible the area I want to is the one area I shouldn't. Obviously realizing these things leads to lots of back and forth on my feelings about people and my perceptions of their impact on my life or in it...and with that the question of their necessity in it. Heavy stuff.
I have realized that kids truly are more resilient than adults and that when handled with the best possible manner they can embrace and adjust to life changes so much smoother than we can. I feel incredibly blessed and have a peace about the girls right now and the ability they have to make me know they are ok.
Realizing you can not turn back time sucks. I have been going through a lot of if only I would have done this or if I wouldn't have done that. I would be so much better off if I had done a few specific things to protect myself that I now have to accept that I will pay the price in so many ways and there is where some bitterness is creeping in. And friends...I have no room for bitterness in the next phase of my life...so I am truly trying to embrace the journey and all it entails.
I realize I can't make you love me. I can't make you understand me. I try. I fail. I wish there were a way to let you see inside my heart as know exactly why I am the way I am. I am sure then you would see why this or that cuts so deep or why this or that can repair the wound. I realize I may find you necessary in my life and you may find me dispensable. Regardless...if you are reading this I am assuming we are more than acquaintances and that you probably have a good idea of the state of my heart and possibly my soul.
I hope in your life when you hit a point of tough realizations that you have fabulous people around you to help you accept them and get through them. And a giant thank you yet again for each and everyone of you that is "loving me through it" at this point. I fully intend on repaying the favor as much as I can in the rest of our journeys together.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Real Choices and Real Consequences
There is one thing I know for certain...every action has a consequence. As a teacher to high school students I found that I would say this phrase so often that the kids probably tuned me out. Yet, I wanted them to hear me so bad. I wanted them to just remember that little truth...no matter what they were doing just knowing this can help...or so I thought.
I have found myself in a place in my life where I almost feel like I am having to heed my own advice more so than I had before. All of a sudden I feel like every single thing I do has extra weight on it. All of a sudden all of my decisions are directly affecting many people instead of just myself. It's like if I do this it does that and so on. The pressure is driving me crazy!!! I don't want that sort of responsibility. I wanna have freedom in my choices and not feel trapped. I want to feel the ability to make a mistake without it destroying anyOne else...just me. I can handle the consequences for myself...it's these two little angels I just can't put in the mix without becoming an anxious crazy mess!
I want it to be known that what you may think you see in me right now isn't true. I think of my girls always. I know what I am doing and I know it changes their lives forever. I know! Trust me. I also know that I trust that God has a plan in all of this. I know that God is blessing me...He is blessing my girls. He is placing friends in our lives that help us be happy, He has brought old relationships back with new meaning that is changing the way we see the world, He is slowly mending broken feelings and building a new normal. He is here...in the midst of the crazy place I now find myself...He is here!
I know that every action...every decision has a consequence. I think of this all the time. Just remember when you think you know something you probably don't. Please don't judge my actions if you don't know my reasons. Trust in me as your friend, family, teacher, peer, partner...whatever role I play in your life...please know that I don't do anything without totally OVER thinking it. So even of you think I am acting rashly or recklessly...I can promise you I am not. Also please know I am an open book. I refuse to pretend or hide ever again. You either love me or dont regardless. So basically...
Let it be! Let me learn. Let me live. Let me love. Just let me...
I have found myself in a place in my life where I almost feel like I am having to heed my own advice more so than I had before. All of a sudden I feel like every single thing I do has extra weight on it. All of a sudden all of my decisions are directly affecting many people instead of just myself. It's like if I do this it does that and so on. The pressure is driving me crazy!!! I don't want that sort of responsibility. I wanna have freedom in my choices and not feel trapped. I want to feel the ability to make a mistake without it destroying anyOne else...just me. I can handle the consequences for myself...it's these two little angels I just can't put in the mix without becoming an anxious crazy mess!
I want it to be known that what you may think you see in me right now isn't true. I think of my girls always. I know what I am doing and I know it changes their lives forever. I know! Trust me. I also know that I trust that God has a plan in all of this. I know that God is blessing me...He is blessing my girls. He is placing friends in our lives that help us be happy, He has brought old relationships back with new meaning that is changing the way we see the world, He is slowly mending broken feelings and building a new normal. He is here...in the midst of the crazy place I now find myself...He is here!
I know that every action...every decision has a consequence. I think of this all the time. Just remember when you think you know something you probably don't. Please don't judge my actions if you don't know my reasons. Trust in me as your friend, family, teacher, peer, partner...whatever role I play in your life...please know that I don't do anything without totally OVER thinking it. So even of you think I am acting rashly or recklessly...I can promise you I am not. Also please know I am an open book. I refuse to pretend or hide ever again. You either love me or dont regardless. So basically...
Let it be! Let me learn. Let me live. Let me love. Just let me...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
What Do I REALLY Deserve?
I like to think I am a down to earth simple girl with very few expectations from life. I don't know why I am not a "diva" or a "high maintenance" kind of girl. Maybe I should be...maybe I could be...but I am not.
I think there are a few reasons behind my low-key demeanor:
I was a tom boy of sorts growing up. I played outside all day...got dirty...wasn't afraid to endure some pain for the sake of adventure. I was a gymnast...we are the kind of girls that literally rip the skin off our hands and yet keep doing it. We fall and get back up, we hurt but try again. So this is probably a good start on my lack of girly intuition.
I was never good at girly to be honest. I mean...I had gigantic curly hair that required a comb and gel for the whole first 1/3 of my life...sheesh in college when I cut it all off and had to straighten it I had to buy all the stuff! What? So this started my limited knowledge of beautification. I am not gonna lie...I still don't think I have that down but heck I give it my best shot! Ha!
Also, I was raised by the most non-materialistic woman ever! I admire her in soooo many ways, but my favorite is knowing she could afford to live one way but CHOOSES another. I love it! She also wasn't afraid to be brave when needed and even be harsh of needed. Never did she turn away someone needing help. She was and is an example of living small and loving large.
So what does all this matter? You are probably asking...who cares if you are girly or not...who cares of you are a diva or not. Well, I am in a place where I wonder. I wonder if I sometimes end up in the trenches trying so hard while those with bigger demands seem to be watching me. It may not be accurate but sometimes it feels sooooo true. I have witnessed the same thing in guys too...the ones who live modest and work hard get punched and the egos seem to skim on through. So what does all this mean?
Well, I wonder what do I really deserve in this life? And what does anyone really deserve? Are we deserving of anything? I feel blessed beyond measure in sooooooo many areas of my life. In those areas I feel almost guilty because I know so many would love to be on my shoes in those regards...I have two beautiful daughters who will surely take this world apart, my family is amazing...my mom, brother and grandmother have always ans will always love me regardless where I am in this life, I have FRIENDS...real true friends that care: they cry when I cry and celebrate when I celebrate, they love me when I am the worst version of me and for that I am soooo incredibly greatful. I don't know of I deserve all these blessings...and on that note I don't know that I deserve the hands I have been dealt in this life that weren't so stellar. Yet, when I question that I feel prideful or wrong. I can't question my journey...I can't question what has led me to today. Today I am okay...I am learning, growing, changing. I have much to be thankful for in this weird journey...a reunion specifically that honestly only God could have orchestrated. Doors opening at just the right time. A special someone gave me a quote a few months ago saying that 'often times God opens a door to greatness but we are too busy staring at the closed door to notice"...I so don't want that to be true of me. I hope I have kept my eyes forward to the beautiful hope that lies there. What better way to thank God for his blessings than to accept them and cherish them.
I think I deserve happiness. I think I deserve a break from trying so hard. I think I deserve a chance. I think we all deserve hope. I don't think anyone deserves trials and tribulations but I will say that walking through the storms sure makes you notice and appreciate the rainbows!!!
I think there are a few reasons behind my low-key demeanor:
I was a tom boy of sorts growing up. I played outside all day...got dirty...wasn't afraid to endure some pain for the sake of adventure. I was a gymnast...we are the kind of girls that literally rip the skin off our hands and yet keep doing it. We fall and get back up, we hurt but try again. So this is probably a good start on my lack of girly intuition.
I was never good at girly to be honest. I mean...I had gigantic curly hair that required a comb and gel for the whole first 1/3 of my life...sheesh in college when I cut it all off and had to straighten it I had to buy all the stuff! What? So this started my limited knowledge of beautification. I am not gonna lie...I still don't think I have that down but heck I give it my best shot! Ha!
Also, I was raised by the most non-materialistic woman ever! I admire her in soooo many ways, but my favorite is knowing she could afford to live one way but CHOOSES another. I love it! She also wasn't afraid to be brave when needed and even be harsh of needed. Never did she turn away someone needing help. She was and is an example of living small and loving large.
So what does all this matter? You are probably asking...who cares if you are girly or not...who cares of you are a diva or not. Well, I am in a place where I wonder. I wonder if I sometimes end up in the trenches trying so hard while those with bigger demands seem to be watching me. It may not be accurate but sometimes it feels sooooo true. I have witnessed the same thing in guys too...the ones who live modest and work hard get punched and the egos seem to skim on through. So what does all this mean?
Well, I wonder what do I really deserve in this life? And what does anyone really deserve? Are we deserving of anything? I feel blessed beyond measure in sooooooo many areas of my life. In those areas I feel almost guilty because I know so many would love to be on my shoes in those regards...I have two beautiful daughters who will surely take this world apart, my family is amazing...my mom, brother and grandmother have always ans will always love me regardless where I am in this life, I have FRIENDS...real true friends that care: they cry when I cry and celebrate when I celebrate, they love me when I am the worst version of me and for that I am soooo incredibly greatful. I don't know of I deserve all these blessings...and on that note I don't know that I deserve the hands I have been dealt in this life that weren't so stellar. Yet, when I question that I feel prideful or wrong. I can't question my journey...I can't question what has led me to today. Today I am okay...I am learning, growing, changing. I have much to be thankful for in this weird journey...a reunion specifically that honestly only God could have orchestrated. Doors opening at just the right time. A special someone gave me a quote a few months ago saying that 'often times God opens a door to greatness but we are too busy staring at the closed door to notice"...I so don't want that to be true of me. I hope I have kept my eyes forward to the beautiful hope that lies there. What better way to thank God for his blessings than to accept them and cherish them.
I think I deserve happiness. I think I deserve a break from trying so hard. I think I deserve a chance. I think we all deserve hope. I don't think anyone deserves trials and tribulations but I will say that walking through the storms sure makes you notice and appreciate the rainbows!!!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Just a Real Girl in a Real World
Oh. If I could change one thing about myself it would be that ever so annoying thing...girly insecurity. The poor poor gentlemen that encounter us in those fleeting yet so destructive moments where lets face it...perception means nothing unless it's our own.
I hate it!
I will even know its happening and yet I can't seem to stop it. I either panic over the littlest things, over analyze every word, tone of voice, body language and facial expression. Sounds crazy huh? Well it's called being a girl! Some how it only feels normal and not so crazy when you are with your friends and they all tell the same type story or even better when their story is worse and you don't feel so bad.
The problem is this...we are just real girls: we have real fears, real scars, real experience, real love, real needs that lead us to this tormented place we clearly don't wanna be. The real world we live in drives us there.
So how do we calm down those in our path...be it your significant other, your friends, your family members...basically whoever it was that took the brunt of your moment of girl realness? How do we make them see we don't wanna push? We don't wanna question. Heck for many the moments flee as fast as they come, but some moments come with a price. Sometimes the moment and the reactions leave a trail of destruction that can't be overcome. I have been there and done that. I don't wanna do that.
I need realy girl real world therapy while traveling my new journey in life. I need to unload a bunch of crud at the nearest trash and I need to hold on just tight enough to show how much I care but lose enough to allow them to breathe.
I am certain we all need to do this...
It's great to be a girl but it's frustrating also...just trust us guys and gals...we don't wanna be needy sappy or what er. No. We really just wanna be wanted...not being wanted is the saddest and scariest feeling...EVER!!!
I hate it!
I will even know its happening and yet I can't seem to stop it. I either panic over the littlest things, over analyze every word, tone of voice, body language and facial expression. Sounds crazy huh? Well it's called being a girl! Some how it only feels normal and not so crazy when you are with your friends and they all tell the same type story or even better when their story is worse and you don't feel so bad.
The problem is this...we are just real girls: we have real fears, real scars, real experience, real love, real needs that lead us to this tormented place we clearly don't wanna be. The real world we live in drives us there.
So how do we calm down those in our path...be it your significant other, your friends, your family members...basically whoever it was that took the brunt of your moment of girl realness? How do we make them see we don't wanna push? We don't wanna question. Heck for many the moments flee as fast as they come, but some moments come with a price. Sometimes the moment and the reactions leave a trail of destruction that can't be overcome. I have been there and done that. I don't wanna do that.
I need realy girl real world therapy while traveling my new journey in life. I need to unload a bunch of crud at the nearest trash and I need to hold on just tight enough to show how much I care but lose enough to allow them to breathe.
I am certain we all need to do this...
It's great to be a girl but it's frustrating also...just trust us guys and gals...we don't wanna be needy sappy or what er. No. We really just wanna be wanted...not being wanted is the saddest and scariest feeling...EVER!!!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Three Strikes...
And you are OUT!!!! We all know the saying. Yet, we all try and apply new meaning to this baseball rule. Yet I have yet to see anyone stick to it. I am relieved too, what if I was only given three chances: with God, my relationships, as a parent, a friend, an employee? In some areas I would be absolutely fine but in others not so much. Why? Because I am HUMAN!!!!
Many have said I am too nice, too forgiving, perhaps too naive. I don't agree...I think I just truly feel for someone who has made mistakes because I have made mistakes. I know what it's like to mess up...to really hurt someone and the hurt it caused me. It has stayed with me...the memory never goes away. I know what it's like to beat yourself up...and then to have everyone else do it too. I never care to participate in that sort of behavior...I have enough on my own plate to not be involved in somebody else's. My only reaction is to love on someone who is hurting...not that I condone what they did, or support it...it's just that I refuse to define a person by an action. I try to only see the person...the person I know...the person they are. My prayer is that the world sees me too...not my mistakes.
I haven't been in a position where I have felt I may be the topic of discussion in quite some time, but here I am in that place in life where you may be questioning "what happened? Who did what? Why? Etc." but the reality is...nothing happened...just life. Life has ups and life has downs and thank goodness for me...God has a way of shining his loving light in the darkest of hours. He can take the hardest time in your life and bless you with triumph.
I write this to say...I would t judge your trials and so please don't attempt to judge mine. Let's not put numbers on people and how many chances they get in our lives or their own. Let's just live our lives and love our loves and enjoy the journey...not add turmoil to someone's story...just be and let be.
Many have said I am too nice, too forgiving, perhaps too naive. I don't agree...I think I just truly feel for someone who has made mistakes because I have made mistakes. I know what it's like to mess up...to really hurt someone and the hurt it caused me. It has stayed with me...the memory never goes away. I know what it's like to beat yourself up...and then to have everyone else do it too. I never care to participate in that sort of behavior...I have enough on my own plate to not be involved in somebody else's. My only reaction is to love on someone who is hurting...not that I condone what they did, or support it...it's just that I refuse to define a person by an action. I try to only see the person...the person I know...the person they are. My prayer is that the world sees me too...not my mistakes.
I haven't been in a position where I have felt I may be the topic of discussion in quite some time, but here I am in that place in life where you may be questioning "what happened? Who did what? Why? Etc." but the reality is...nothing happened...just life. Life has ups and life has downs and thank goodness for me...God has a way of shining his loving light in the darkest of hours. He can take the hardest time in your life and bless you with triumph.
I write this to say...I would t judge your trials and so please don't attempt to judge mine. Let's not put numbers on people and how many chances they get in our lives or their own. Let's just live our lives and love our loves and enjoy the journey...not add turmoil to someone's story...just be and let be.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Real Blessed
It always amazes me how you can be so involved in your own attempts at controlling your life that you ignore the fact that we really control nothing. Some believe whatever will happen will happen, or choose your own destiny. I have come to realize that I have little control but I have a huge desire to control. I know I shouldn't fret and worry and that I should "let go and let God". So my knowledge is that God is always taking care of us. I believe that...100%.
So I had to realize that I wasn't forgotten while I was sad or scared, but a better way was being made for me. When I didn't get job A or B it was because God had a better one in store. I didn't fail at this or that...I just got stronger for the next time. I didn't lose someone...I gained THE one. I didn't let my kids down I am going to make them happier. I may not have much 'stuff', but I have riches in friends family and life. I have just the right amount of things and little desire for more. I am content.
I know you have heard that there are three ways God answers us:
Yes
No
Wait
Well, I believe sometimes the wait is to teach us about letting go...trusting him, and learning to accept the things we go through as payment for the blessings we end up in. I am really really blessed...I feel undeserving of the many blessings sometimes. I know that is silly but I can't help it. I sit here tonight pondering...how did I really get this lucky...better yet, blessed?
So I had to realize that I wasn't forgotten while I was sad or scared, but a better way was being made for me. When I didn't get job A or B it was because God had a better one in store. I didn't fail at this or that...I just got stronger for the next time. I didn't lose someone...I gained THE one. I didn't let my kids down I am going to make them happier. I may not have much 'stuff', but I have riches in friends family and life. I have just the right amount of things and little desire for more. I am content.
I know you have heard that there are three ways God answers us:
Yes
No
Wait
Well, I believe sometimes the wait is to teach us about letting go...trusting him, and learning to accept the things we go through as payment for the blessings we end up in. I am really really blessed...I feel undeserving of the many blessings sometimes. I know that is silly but I can't help it. I sit here tonight pondering...how did I really get this lucky...better yet, blessed?
Friday, January 6, 2012
Rainbows are Real!!!
We have all heard it before..."don't go chasing Fairytales!" which in my opinion is excellent advice. No good can come from a girl putting crazy expectations of prince charming onto a normal guy. We wouldn't live up to the princess ideals either, and although guys don't put that on us we do a darn good job torturing ourselves. Ugh. Darn us girls and our crazy ways!
Well I have sometimes wondered if I, like so many have been maybe not chasing Fairytales, but maybe dreamt of them. You know while living in a situation that isn't what you had dreamed of you naturally think dream and even dwell on those things you crave or desire. So in my quandary over whether I am victim of this I have discovered...no. I was not. This is my reality.
During the time of my life where the storms were raging...I had my eye specifically placed in one direction. Never knowing if or when this storm would pass...I kept looking. I wasn't chasing, I was steadfast in holding my gaze high. I have to say that one of the biggest blessings to surviving a storm is the rainbow at the end! And the biggest treasure is that once you find the rainbow...hold on to what's waiting at the bottom...it's your gold...your heart. Fairytales are fleeting and misleading...but friends rainbows are real!!!
My storm is finally ending and my rainbow has appeared and I could never be more thankful for anything!!! Rainbows give us calm, hope, peace, joy and love!!! I hope everyone is lucky enough to find a rainbow after their storm. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams to have the brightest most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen!
Well I have sometimes wondered if I, like so many have been maybe not chasing Fairytales, but maybe dreamt of them. You know while living in a situation that isn't what you had dreamed of you naturally think dream and even dwell on those things you crave or desire. So in my quandary over whether I am victim of this I have discovered...no. I was not. This is my reality.
During the time of my life where the storms were raging...I had my eye specifically placed in one direction. Never knowing if or when this storm would pass...I kept looking. I wasn't chasing, I was steadfast in holding my gaze high. I have to say that one of the biggest blessings to surviving a storm is the rainbow at the end! And the biggest treasure is that once you find the rainbow...hold on to what's waiting at the bottom...it's your gold...your heart. Fairytales are fleeting and misleading...but friends rainbows are real!!!
My storm is finally ending and my rainbow has appeared and I could never be more thankful for anything!!! Rainbows give us calm, hope, peace, joy and love!!! I hope everyone is lucky enough to find a rainbow after their storm. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams to have the brightest most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen!
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