Why oh Why!

I was reminded today that my blog has been neglected. So here I am with much to say! First off my life has been sort of a journey of peaks and valleys and sometimes those things actually coincide. Strange I know but true. I can be experiencing utter disappointment and hate revolving around a part of my life I wish I could escape, and yet at the same time be happier than ever with where I am headed and who I am with. Truth is that until today I had actually been on a peak for a solid week with nothing on my mind but the sheer amazement of answered prayers and the unexplainable excitement of being engaged to my very best friend and my first love, only real love and my last love! Although days like today may creep in its knowing what lies ahead that makes things worth it. I have tried so hard to do this or that "right". Well now I sit and wonder what do I know about what is "right"? I mean all my efforts turn to crap and then there I am going...hmmm...what just happened. The. I realize when you are dealing with people with questionable morals, secrets, vivacious minds...no good will come from playing nice. It is now time to play even. I won't stoop. I will not lie. I will. It cheat. I will NEVER play their game...but what happens now is that I won't be nice, I won't protect them, I won't be quiet, I won't let this go! I hope one day my girls will know the truth of it all. I hope they will know from my army of friends and family fighting on my behalf how nice I tried to be, how much I struggled, how much I sacrificed, how much I held back when I wanted to rage forward, how much I kept inside for fear anyone may know how much I want to play their game. It know in my heart I can't and won't. Nope. I will walk away from this war with my integrity which they lost long ago. My oh my...ready to sleep and dream of happy days with the one I love and leave the stress of battle for another time. Life truly is short. Every day counts. I hope we all fight for what we believe but do it right and you will be rewarded. Love the ones you cherish...everyday...no matter what. When they may seem unlovable that is when they need it the most. Actions are better than words when you show love...but words can whisper straight to your heart leaving an imprint for day and years. Say what you feel and show how you love...always!

Truth

I think it is funny how we pretend we are okay with something or that we agree with something just to avoid conflict or to not cause any problems. I have been thinking lately that I am really over that and I am happy to be honest with people regardless of how they take it. I know for some people this new little character trait is strange and seems even rude, but really being honest is the kindest thing I can do sometimes. I would rather know the truth from someone than to have them lie to me and then find out later...it hurts worse. I just lived through someone lying to me a percentage of the time to "spare" my feelings and lets just say that no feelings were spared. So here it goes...the truth...my truth!
#1. I like chick flicks...I am a chick...its expected.
#2. I like war movies...I am a chick...this may be less expected, but true nonetheless.
#3. I hate liars.
#4. I love cuddling
#5. I love Dr. Pepper and hate Diet Coke
#6. I hate onions...and mayonaise
#7. I love purple and black...my favorite colors
#8. I hate when people smack gum, chomp ice or hard candy
#9. I like to be reminded I am loved...over and over and over. I just do!
#10. I don't trust many people...almost everyone has proven that I can't trust people. Even people I should be able to trust...its a sad reality.
#11. I love people with my whole heart...and this is dangerous.
#12. I have major insecurities from choices and situations I put myself in during my life and I wonder if I will ever get over them and if there is anyone out there truly willing to put up wiht me while I try.
#13. At this very moment I am very bitter about some things in the world and I hate feeling like that...I prefer to be happy.
#14. I feel pain for others to the point it can hurt...I can take on someone else's pain so easily...I don't know why either, but it happens. My heart literally aches and breaks for the ones I love.
#15. I am the most committed person I know...although my current situation may make it look like I have lack of committment those closest to me know that is not true at all. When I committ I committ and I will go to torchorous lengths to protect a promise.
#16. I hate to fail...at ANYTHING!
#17. I hold on too tight.
#18. I want someone to fight for me for once.
#19. I want to feel protected and safe.
#20. I want someone to fear me leaving as much as I fear them leaving.
#21. I don't like loud and annoying personalities.
#22. I love my friends
#23. I am ready to get rid of some of my "friends"
#24. I forgive too easily...but I never forget.
#25. I admire a friend of mine who has the ability to cut people out of his life because they wronged him and stick to it, because that is one quality I wish I had...the ability to truly stand up for myself.
#26. I like to work...I like to be good at my work.
#27. I am pretty simple and little things can make me happier than extravagant things
#28. I am not real girly, but yet love to be girly
#29. I miss being young
#30. I don't consider myself old...most of the time.
#31. I like to tease and be teased, but it has to stay in line.
#32. I am sensitive and so proceed with caution with me
#33. I am trying to find myself...
#34. I want to be strong enough to not need anyone
#35. I don't ever want to not need anyone...contradiction I know
#36. I like loud music
#37. I love to dance
#38. I don't ever want to get overweight
#39. I am not exactly sure what I consider overweight
#40. I love to meet new people
#41. I am highly social and love to be around people
#42. I get annoyed with people who don't like to do stuff
#43. I would like plastic surgery...
#44. I dream almost every night
#45. I have the same recurring nightmares
#46. I wish I could erase some memories and then am scared to death I might forget some
#47. I believe in true love, soul mates, fate, destiny...I am a hopeless romantic
#48. I want to be doted on
#49. I need reassurance
#50. I love cinnamon rolls.

Obviously most people know these things about me, but it is sort of fun writing it down and saying...here it is...take me or leave me...just don't lie to me. Lol. I am pretty down to earth...I love to try new things. I am scared of spiders and scared of life, but overall I am a risk-taker and I will take a risk on you if you will take one on me.

Where I am...

One thing we all go through in life is that whether we want to believe it or not, our lives affect others around us. I don't like this fact at all. I am also at a point where I realize that although it does affect them, it doesn't change where I am.
I am living my life...and I am doing it the only way I know how. You may have concerns sometimes about how or why I do the things I do, but you just have to trust that I am doing what I think is right. I don't do things recklessly...I grew out of that in 2001...haha!
I am in a place where things may not be exactly clear and that is scary, but I am learning to cope with that. As a girl who likes a plan and wants to know what lies ahead this little change of things has been the hardest to deal with. I wanna know what tomorrow looks like and five years and ten years etc. Well...right now it is a blank canvas and it is making me insane one minute and a little excited the next. Not knowing can be freeing in some ways, but I have to say the fear of it takes away the excitement rather quickly.
I am living life. I am enjoying every little piece I can. More so than I did before. Sadly I took moments and days even for granted...how ignorant of me. A friend told me recently that any day you wake up is reason to be excited. So true. I failed to live like that but am sincerely trying to.
I am learning how to be brave, getting more confidence each and every day, I am back at work and loving every minute. Fact is...I am a good worker. I love to teach, I love to do a lot of things...I think I like to feel needed. Whether that be to do a job, to be a friend, to make something, contribute...whatever...feeling needed is my largest desire right now. So hit me up if you need me...lol.
I am aware of what is going on...I am aware that two little lives are in the mix. I am aware that everything I do affects them...that is always on the front of my mind. I know my family is affected, and I even realize that my friends are being affected. Oh how appreciative I am of those who are brave enough to love me through it. I have said it before and I will say it again...you have no idea what weight a harsh judgement can have and how hard it may be to get over.
I am in a good place if you can believe that considering all that is going on. God has managed to make things fall into place around me that reminds me that "even when I can't see...I STILL BELIEVE!" I am good. I am happy.

Strickingly Familiar

There are so many things about me that seem so unfamiliar to me. I guess maybe when you are walking a certain path with only one goal in view you lose sight of all the things around you. It reminds me of when I was in college and I did my internship in Amarillo...I would drive back to Canyon in the afternoon and would all of a sudden be in Canyon and not remember one bit of the drive...I must have been daydreaming or whatever. At any rate it always freaked me out when that happened thinking..."what did I miss" or "oh my gosh I could have wrecked". Well, the last few years I have sort of lived my life the same way I used to make that drive. I had one thing I was looking at and everything else fell to the side.
Sadly one of those things I fear was my ability to parent the way I should. I spent so much time focusing on keeping the house clean, the yard mowed, the groceries bought, the activities situated, etc...that I failed to spend more time just enjoying it. I will admit that we did have our fun and that I tried my best, but I know I could have done better. I could have made those times at home more fun, put more effort into them in the moment than in planning for a moment. I look back and really cherish when mom and I took them to Albaquerque to the fair this year. Poor Kaytlee was sick and we almost cancelled, but I am so glad we didn't. We had a blast eating, swimming, doing all those fun fair things...and both girls were just amazing. They loved the excitement and the attention...I am hoping to keep building awesome memories like that with them, and lots more Dance Parties at home, girly movies, pit fun, etc. The last few months have been amazing.
Another thing I neglected to notice or take care of were my friendships. I know there were a few that I was able to keep a slight grasp on, but I know there are many that suffered. I know they don't judge me and that they now have better understanding of all of those cancelled plans, declined invites, etc. One of my greatest joys and biggest blessings are my friends...I love them so much. I take a lot of pride in the friendships I have made over the years. I always sort of stand in awe at how many people I truly consider to be a "FRIEND" and not just an acquaintance. My friends are always able to amaze me with their love and consideration to. They jump to my defense as I do theirs, they cry with me, laugh with me, and they don't forget me. I have been so lucky to have all of these people in my life right now and look forward to years and years of more memories with each of them.
My family also took a beating over the years. I tried to fix it though. I did realize this earlier than maybe I cared to the other areas. I tried to visit home more to spend time with my brother and his family and let him know that I love him and missed my "home". I do lots of stuff with my mom because lets face it she is my best friend as far as that goes, and she is always the first in line when something great or grave happens in my life. Still I think she too felt a little neglected and well I can't even own up to the neglect that mamaw took. I used to be able to visit so much more and I am definitely gonna get that remedied asap! I love to go do her hair and nails and just listen to her stories of how she loved my Daddy-Bud, about her life in business college, going to Washington to work during the war, and so much more. She is truly facinating.
Well here I am on this journey and I have finally looked up and I see exactly where I am at. I have my eyes on the mark, but I also see the scenery this time. I notice those around me, I notice the effects of things around me, I see good and I see bad. I see joy and I see pain. Now I have to pay close attention to all of these things and take care of them so that I don't have to feel that panic of arriving at the wrong destination with no recollection of how I got there.
First step is to allow myself to realize I only have one shot at living my life. I may even have only one road to travel...yet how I travel and how I get there is up to me. I don't wanna hold out any more from people I love. I don't want to pretend things are perfect when they aren't, I don't want to miss opportunities, I don't want to be in constant preparation for things to go badly. These are things I am so accustomed to I don't really even know how to change. I simply can't live on eggshells waiting for the end of something and miss out on the whole experience. No one deserves that...especially ME! You heard me...I said me. I finally feel like I am getting to that place where for once I have an opinion and I feel like I possibly deserve something.
I may not make the best of choices all the time, but the ones I make have a reason. I am going to make sure that in the future of my life that I always make decisions with my eyes fully open to everything in front, around and even sometimes behind me in mind. I will not go forth in a daze any longer.
Funny thing about this is...now that I am looking around me...some things look strikingly familiar...now how is that possible?

It REALLY hurts!

What hurts? Life freaking hurts! I am on this strange roller coaster right now where I am at the peak of happiness because I have a chance to do something I have literally spent 15 years wondering about. Then I have to deal with these ridiculous valleys filled with drama from a place I don't wanna be dealing with people I don't want to deal with.
I teeter between pure bliss and pure torture and I struggle to make sure I keep the two worlds separate. Here is the thing...I only want one world...I want the safety and the joy that his love gives me. I literally haven't felt so at peace. It's my happy place.
Its why I can't live in this hurtful place much longer. I have kept quiet, I hold back, I push it all in with all my might...but I can feel it bubbling over...I can't take much more. It's like the scars are being ripped open and new wounds keep forming and I can't seem to stop it.
I am at a point where I can't allow these valleys to creep in when I am at the peak. I have to distance myself as much as possible for as long as it takes for me to become me again...not just when I am safe...but all the time. I can't let this bump in the road knock me down. Nope! I have too much to be excited about...
To anyone else riding a roller coaster...maybe letting go of that extra baggage will allow us to stay on the peaks!!!

Reality Vacation

I would love to be able to take a "reality vacation". I want to escape the world with all of its issues...the details, the schedules, the bills, the pain, the worry, the stress, the work. I want to just go away, somewhere where the world can't find me. I want to dream...and in order to I need to sleep. I want to take a mental break. I want to pretend that my life is normal. I don't want to worry about when I have my kids, when I see people, what days are this and what days are that.

I sort of wonder if I will ever reach "normal". I don't consider myself to be that normal as a person anyway and so to assume I would actually obtain a level of normalcy may seem far fetched anyway.

I do know a couple things that I don't need a vacation from:
moving forward
getting stronger
being happy
being loved

I know everything else may be heavy on me sometimes, but I try really hard not to let those things get in the way of the important things. Knowing that when I have my girls that we have fun. That I can't wait to take them places and show them things because that is one of my favorite memories as a child. I loved going on trips to the mountains, to the races, to meets, etc. We were always on the go. Heck even as a teacher I was always trying to haul kids around places. I am excited that I get to expose them to new things, new environments, new people, new attitudes, etc. Already they are able to see change and they are embracing it...PTL!!!!

I have decided to take a vacation in some aspects... I can't always be chasing, fixing, clinging...maybe I need to let go and let others want to chase, fix, or cling to me. I am vacationing from the mental torture that makes me constantly fixate problems onto someone who isn't deserving. I have to hold my demons back until they decide to disappear. I can't project those haunted halls to those around me.

I may not be able to take a true vacation from my reality, but I can choose to take some mini-vacations from the chaos. I can concentrate on the amazing additions to my life that make me smile from the bottom of my heart...bring me true happiness. I can set back and look in wonderment at the beautiful soul that is before me and just treasure it. God is Good! All the Time!

REALizing!

I am finally realizing things about me, my life, my family, my friends, my expectations, etc. The thing about realizing is that it isn't always a good thing. Sometimes we realize that things aren't what they seem, or worse...they aren't what we want or need. So sometimes we tend to push those realizations aside and march forth hoping they will change themselves or that we are just wrong about it. Experience has taught me that you probably aren't wrong and odds of changing things are very low. So....

I am moving forward with some issues. I realize this. I hate this. I have to accept it. I can let this bump in the road derail my journey or I can just get over it and move forward. People in my life are forced to sort of deal with the process of me learning the way and this is again a reality I am not a fan of. I just wish I was down the road a ways already ya know.

I have realized that I can't make things happen. By this I mean...I can't change someone else and even worse I have little luck changing myself. Now I don't want to change myself in many ways and it's possible the area I want to is the one area I shouldn't. Obviously realizing these things leads to lots of back and forth on my feelings about people and my perceptions of their impact on my life or in it...and with that the question of their necessity in it. Heavy stuff.

I have realized that kids truly are more resilient than adults and that when handled with the best possible manner they can embrace and adjust to life changes so much smoother than we can. I feel incredibly blessed and have a peace about the girls right now and the ability they have to make me know they are ok.

Realizing you can not turn back time sucks. I have been going through a lot of if only I would have done this or if I wouldn't have done that. I would be so much better off if I had done a few specific things to protect myself that I now have to accept that I will pay the price in so many ways and there is where some bitterness is creeping in. And friends...I have no room for bitterness in the next phase of my life...so I am truly trying to embrace the journey and all it entails.

I realize I can't make you love me. I can't make you understand me. I try. I fail. I wish there were a way to let you see inside my heart as know exactly why I am the way I am. I am sure then you would see why this or that cuts so deep or why this or that can repair the wound. I realize I may find you necessary in my life and you may find me dispensable. Regardless...if you are reading this I am assuming we are more than acquaintances and that you probably have a good idea of the state of my heart and possibly my soul.

I hope in your life when you hit a point of tough realizations that you have fabulous people around you to help you accept them and get through them. And a giant thank you yet again for each and everyone of you that is "loving me through it" at this point. I fully intend on repaying the favor as much as I can in the rest of our journeys together.

Real Choices and Real Consequences

There is one thing I know for certain...every action has a consequence. As a teacher to high school students I found that I would say this phrase so often that the kids probably tuned me out. Yet, I wanted them to hear me so bad. I wanted them to just remember that little truth...no matter what they were doing just knowing this can help...or so I thought.
I have found myself in a place in my life where I almost feel like I am having to heed my own advice more so than I had before. All of a sudden I feel like every single thing I do has extra weight on it. All of a sudden all of my decisions are directly affecting many people instead of just myself. It's like if I do this it does that and so on. The pressure is driving me crazy!!! I don't want that sort of responsibility. I wanna have freedom in my choices and not feel trapped. I want to feel the ability to make a mistake without it destroying anyOne else...just me. I can handle the consequences for myself...it's these two little angels I just can't put in the mix without becoming an anxious crazy mess!
I want it to be known that what you may think you see in me right now isn't true. I think of my girls always. I know what I am doing and I know it changes their lives forever. I know! Trust me. I also know that I trust that God has a plan in all of this. I know that God is blessing me...He is blessing my girls. He is placing friends in our lives that help us be happy, He has brought old relationships back with new meaning that is changing the way we see the world, He is slowly mending broken feelings and building a new normal. He is here...in the midst of the crazy place I now find myself...He is here!
I know that every action...every decision has a consequence. I think of this all the time. Just remember when you think you know something you probably don't. Please don't judge my actions if you don't know my reasons. Trust in me as your friend, family, teacher, peer, partner...whatever role I play in your life...please know that I don't do anything without totally OVER thinking it. So even of you think I am acting rashly or recklessly...I can promise you I am not. Also please know I am an open book. I refuse to pretend or hide ever again. You either love me or dont regardless. So basically...
Let it be! Let me learn. Let me live. Let me love. Just let me...

What Do I REALLY Deserve?

I like to think I am a down to earth simple girl with very few expectations from life. I don't know why I am not a "diva" or a "high maintenance" kind of girl. Maybe I should be...maybe I could be...but I am not.
I think there are a few reasons behind my low-key demeanor:
I was a tom boy of sorts growing up. I played outside all day...got dirty...wasn't afraid to endure some pain for the sake of adventure. I was a gymnast...we are the kind of girls that literally rip the skin off our hands and yet keep doing it. We fall and get back up, we hurt but try again. So this is probably a good start on my lack of girly intuition.
I was never good at girly to be honest. I mean...I had gigantic curly hair that required a comb and gel for the whole first 1/3 of my life...sheesh in college when I cut it all off and had to straighten it I had to buy all the stuff! What? So this started my limited knowledge of beautification. I am not gonna lie...I still don't think I have that down but heck I give it my best shot! Ha!
Also, I was raised by the most non-materialistic woman ever! I admire her in soooo many ways, but my favorite is knowing she could afford to live one way but CHOOSES another. I love it! She also wasn't afraid to be brave when needed and even be harsh of needed. Never did she turn away someone needing help. She was and is an example of living small and loving large.

So what does all this matter? You are probably asking...who cares if you are girly or not...who cares of you are a diva or not. Well, I am in a place where I wonder. I wonder if I sometimes end up in the trenches trying so hard while those with bigger demands seem to be watching me. It may not be accurate but sometimes it feels sooooo true. I have witnessed the same thing in guys too...the ones who live modest and work hard get punched and the egos seem to skim on through. So what does all this mean?

Well, I wonder what do I really deserve in this life? And what does anyone really deserve? Are we deserving of anything? I feel blessed beyond measure in sooooooo many areas of my life. In those areas I feel almost guilty because I know so many would love to be on my shoes in those regards...I have two beautiful daughters who will surely take this world apart, my family is amazing...my mom, brother and grandmother have always ans will always love me regardless where I am in this life, I have FRIENDS...real true friends that care: they cry when I cry and celebrate when I celebrate, they love me when I am the worst version of me and for that I am soooo incredibly greatful. I don't know of I deserve all these blessings...and on that note I don't know that I deserve the hands I have been dealt in this life that weren't so stellar. Yet, when I question that I feel prideful or wrong. I can't question my journey...I can't question what has led me to today. Today I am okay...I am learning, growing, changing. I have much to be thankful for in this weird journey...a reunion specifically that honestly only God could have orchestrated. Doors opening at just the right time. A special someone gave me a quote a few months ago saying that 'often times God opens a door to greatness but we are too busy staring at the closed door to notice"...I so don't want that to be true of me. I hope I have kept my eyes forward to the beautiful hope that lies there. What better way to thank God for his blessings than to accept them and cherish them.

I think I deserve happiness. I think I deserve a break from trying so hard. I think I deserve a chance. I think we all deserve hope. I don't think anyone deserves trials and tribulations but I will say that walking through the storms sure makes you notice and appreciate the rainbows!!!

Just a Real Girl in a Real World

Oh. If I could change one thing about myself it would be that ever so annoying thing...girly insecurity. The poor poor gentlemen that encounter us in those fleeting yet so destructive moments where lets face it...perception means nothing unless it's our own.
I hate it!
I will even know its happening and yet I can't seem to stop it. I either panic over the littlest things, over analyze every word, tone of voice, body language and facial expression. Sounds crazy huh? Well it's called being a girl! Some how it only feels normal and not so crazy when you are with your friends and they all tell the same type story or even better when their story is worse and you don't feel so bad.
The problem is this...we are just real girls: we have real fears, real scars, real experience, real love, real needs that lead us to this tormented place we clearly don't wanna be. The real world we live in drives us there.
So how do we calm down those in our path...be it your significant other, your friends, your family members...basically whoever it was that took the brunt of your moment of girl realness? How do we make them see we don't wanna push? We don't wanna question. Heck for many the moments flee as fast as they come, but some moments come with a price. Sometimes the moment and the reactions leave a trail of destruction that can't be overcome. I have been there and done that. I don't wanna do that.
I need realy girl real world therapy while traveling my new journey in life. I need to unload a bunch of crud at the nearest trash and I need to hold on just tight enough to show how much I care but lose enough to allow them to breathe.
I am certain we all need to do this...
It's great to be a girl but it's frustrating also...just trust us guys and gals...we don't wanna be needy sappy or what er. No. We really just wanna be wanted...not being wanted is the saddest and scariest feeling...EVER!!!

Three Strikes...

And you are OUT!!!! We all know the saying. Yet, we all try and apply new meaning to this baseball rule. Yet I have yet to see anyone stick to it. I am relieved too, what if I was only given three chances: with God, my relationships, as a parent, a friend, an employee? In some areas I would be absolutely fine but in others not so much. Why? Because I am HUMAN!!!!

Many have said I am too nice, too forgiving, perhaps too naive. I don't agree...I think I just truly feel for someone who has made mistakes because I have made mistakes. I know what it's like to mess up...to really hurt someone and the hurt it caused me. It has stayed with me...the memory never goes away. I know what it's like to beat yourself up...and then to have everyone else do it too. I never care to participate in that sort of behavior...I have enough on my own plate to not be involved in somebody else's. My only reaction is to love on someone who is hurting...not that I condone what they did, or support it...it's just that I refuse to define a person by an action. I try to only see the person...the person I know...the person they are. My prayer is that the world sees me too...not my mistakes.

I haven't been in a position where I have felt I may be the topic of discussion in quite some time, but here I am in that place in life where you may be questioning "what happened? Who did what? Why? Etc." but the reality is...nothing happened...just life. Life has ups and life has downs and thank goodness for me...God has a way of shining his loving light in the darkest of hours. He can take the hardest time in your life and bless you with triumph.

I write this to say...I would t judge your trials and so please don't attempt to judge mine. Let's not put numbers on people and how many chances they get in our lives or their own. Let's just live our lives and love our loves and enjoy the journey...not add turmoil to someone's story...just be and let be.

Real Blessed

It always amazes me how you can be so involved in your own attempts at controlling your life that you ignore the fact that we really control nothing. Some believe whatever will happen will happen, or choose your own destiny. I have come to realize that I have little control but I have a huge desire to control. I know I shouldn't fret and worry and that I should "let go and let God". So my knowledge is that God is always taking care of us. I believe that...100%.

So I had to realize that I wasn't forgotten while I was sad or scared, but a better way was being made for me. When I didn't get job A or B it was because God had a better one in store. I didn't fail at this or that...I just got stronger for the next time. I didn't lose someone...I gained THE one. I didn't let my kids down I am going to make them happier. I may not have much 'stuff', but I have riches in friends family and life. I have just the right amount of things and little desire for more. I am content.

I know you have heard that there are three ways God answers us:
Yes
No
Wait
Well, I believe sometimes the wait is to teach us about letting go...trusting him, and learning to accept the things we go through as payment for the blessings we end up in. I am really really blessed...I feel undeserving of the many blessings sometimes. I know that is silly but I can't help it. I sit here tonight pondering...how did I really get this lucky...better yet, blessed?

Rainbows are Real!!!

We have all heard it before..."don't go chasing Fairytales!" which in my opinion is excellent advice. No good can come from a girl putting crazy expectations of prince charming onto a normal guy. We wouldn't live up to the princess ideals either, and although guys don't put that on us we do a darn good job torturing ourselves. Ugh. Darn us girls and our crazy ways!

Well I have sometimes wondered if I, like so many have been maybe not chasing Fairytales, but maybe dreamt of them. You know while living in a situation that isn't what you had dreamed of you naturally think dream and even dwell on those things you crave or desire. So in my quandary over whether I am victim of this I have discovered...no. I was not. This is my reality.

During the time of my life where the storms were raging...I had my eye specifically placed in one direction. Never knowing if or when this storm would pass...I kept looking. I wasn't chasing, I was steadfast in holding my gaze high. I have to say that one of the biggest blessings to surviving a storm is the rainbow at the end! And the biggest treasure is that once you find the rainbow...hold on to what's waiting at the bottom...it's your gold...your heart. Fairytales are fleeting and misleading...but friends rainbows are real!!!

My storm is finally ending and my rainbow has appeared and I could never be more thankful for anything!!! Rainbows give us calm, hope, peace, joy and love!!! I hope everyone is lucky enough to find a rainbow after their storm. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams to have the brightest most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen!