REALizing!

I am finally realizing things about me, my life, my family, my friends, my expectations, etc. The thing about realizing is that it isn't always a good thing. Sometimes we realize that things aren't what they seem, or worse...they aren't what we want or need. So sometimes we tend to push those realizations aside and march forth hoping they will change themselves or that we are just wrong about it. Experience has taught me that you probably aren't wrong and odds of changing things are very low. So....

I am moving forward with some issues. I realize this. I hate this. I have to accept it. I can let this bump in the road derail my journey or I can just get over it and move forward. People in my life are forced to sort of deal with the process of me learning the way and this is again a reality I am not a fan of. I just wish I was down the road a ways already ya know.

I have realized that I can't make things happen. By this I mean...I can't change someone else and even worse I have little luck changing myself. Now I don't want to change myself in many ways and it's possible the area I want to is the one area I shouldn't. Obviously realizing these things leads to lots of back and forth on my feelings about people and my perceptions of their impact on my life or in it...and with that the question of their necessity in it. Heavy stuff.

I have realized that kids truly are more resilient than adults and that when handled with the best possible manner they can embrace and adjust to life changes so much smoother than we can. I feel incredibly blessed and have a peace about the girls right now and the ability they have to make me know they are ok.

Realizing you can not turn back time sucks. I have been going through a lot of if only I would have done this or if I wouldn't have done that. I would be so much better off if I had done a few specific things to protect myself that I now have to accept that I will pay the price in so many ways and there is where some bitterness is creeping in. And friends...I have no room for bitterness in the next phase of my life...so I am truly trying to embrace the journey and all it entails.

I realize I can't make you love me. I can't make you understand me. I try. I fail. I wish there were a way to let you see inside my heart as know exactly why I am the way I am. I am sure then you would see why this or that cuts so deep or why this or that can repair the wound. I realize I may find you necessary in my life and you may find me dispensable. Regardless...if you are reading this I am assuming we are more than acquaintances and that you probably have a good idea of the state of my heart and possibly my soul.

I hope in your life when you hit a point of tough realizations that you have fabulous people around you to help you accept them and get through them. And a giant thank you yet again for each and everyone of you that is "loving me through it" at this point. I fully intend on repaying the favor as much as I can in the rest of our journeys together.