Well, my reality has been sort of waved around like a flag at the Fourth of July. It has gone from here to there and basically up and down and all around. I have spent a decade in a marriage that is now ending and I am forced to answer questions like:
How? Why? Now what? What about this? What about that?
You know I spent soooo many years just choosing to do what I thought was right. I would let the heartache fall somewhere in the far depths of my feelings and march forward with an arsenal of hope, mind numbing distractions, false smiles, etc. heck I was so good at pretending my life was okay that I probably would have or maybe could have kept that up forever. But at what cost?
Now that I have been freed from the pretending I have walls that are coming down slowly. Where I had built a wall that said it was okay to never have passion, I have now seen it. The wall that said I have to make everything okay has started to come down and I realize I can't always make it okay. The wall that said I didn't need or deserve real love has fallen down completely and I know I want to be loved and I want to love. I want my girls to see real love...real friendship...real honesty.
I am trying hard to not be bitter. I am focusing ONLY on the blessings this new chapter will reveal. I have no time to focus on the past, the hurt, the what ifs. This IS my reality. I tried. I failed. I will get back up. I will keep moving forward. I will find strength somewhere. I have to keep believing that everything happens for a reason. Isn't that what you always hear when something terrible happens. Well...I have to believe that. Otherwise what's the point? Why keep going?
My reality may look broken to those of you looking at it now, but it is actually finally being mended from where it has broken for so long. I was just never brave enough to tell you. Now I am.
I am good. I am becoming stronger every day. I am happy. I am blessed.
No comments:
Post a Comment