Struck!

I am in battle with myself over so many things right now. I have so many things up in the air all at once. I feel like one minute I am on track and then boom. I am struck with the pangs of reality. I didn't get the job I wanted. I haven't heard back from the three I have some hope in, and have applied for a dozen more. Now I wait.
Reminds me of being little and waiting to open Christmas presents...the agony of the waiting was devastating. I spend my time waiting panicking and over analyzing and basically working myself into a frenzy. What the heck? I have to find calm in this storm that is raging around me. I need an anchor that lies within myself and not someone else.
I feel like I am in a tiny rescue boat with two precious children in tow. It feels awful. They didn't ask to be tossed out to sea. They don't deserve the effects of these raging waters. Little do they know it's my own tears we are drowning in. I can't get too scared. I have to get us to shore. I can't let myself be weak. I can't grab hold of the dangerous unknown boats that try and save me. No. I have to do this myself...for them. I have to be brave.
I went into this thinking I had a team. It was our decision. It was what was best. I was setting not only myself free but him too. We wanted to tread waters as friends and not let the other one drown. Is this the plan? Or did I miss a step? Did I jump in the water or was I thrown in? I can't even tell anymore. All I know is that the storm is getting bigger. I have been struck more than once. I have too much to give up...please please please Lord let me be strong enough to make it.