Real Heavy!

Sometimes I think we are so busy with 'life' that we don't realize how much baggage we are lugging around. In the past few months I have made more than a few life changing decisions. Each of them have a large amount of hurt or responsibility to be dealt with. Well as I have began the process of loading up all this new baggage I have realized I have way too much old baggage still upon me. Some lays heavy on my heart, some heavy on my conscience, some heavy on my mind, etc.

What I have realized is that I have become soooo used to trying to make everyone around me happy as to not disappoint or whatever that I totally took a backseat to anything for me. I have some stuff to let go of and allow myself to be freed from the heavy heart and the heavy hurt. So let's break this down a little.

My old crappy baggage is way too heavy, it's full of years of damage and quite frankly it gets in my way! I am not about to let this darn stuff ruin my chances for happiness. I can see it happening right now and even though I know and I don't wanna do it...something about this luggage is bound to me. Part of the problem might be that some of my new baggage hopped in this suitcase...so how do I possibly remedy this quickly? This luggage has a name: abandonment. It started years ago when I realized my dad left and he never looked back...I wasn't enough to look back at. This realization was made when I was young and although I tried to pretend I didn't care and was better off; truth is that this one event would lead to the heaviest of my burdens. The rest of my life I have watched loved ones come into my life and then want to leave. How can I not take this personally? Why am I so leavable? Why am I not enough?

I dont have the energy for this particular baggage and yet I don't have the strength to remove it either. So now what? How can I remove this piece so that I dont panic and hold on too tight and force people out? Truth is I know I am my best version of me when I am confident and feel safe...yet that baggage starts to get heavy again and then I get scared and become in my opinion the worst version of me. I don't want this...my future doesn't deserve this.

I have to try...weak or not it's worth it to me to chunk this darn ridiculous amount of weight off of my life so that I can finally move forward possibly feeling like I deserve something, that I am worthy, that someone maybe fears my leaving as much as I would theirs, that I am lovable...I want someone to tell me just how stupid my dad was. How crazy he was. How he missed out on amazing and not the other way around.

This kind of stuff gets real heavy sometimes. I can't keep adding unless I start removing because it is ruining my life and I am over that...I am marching forward to happiness and greatness!