The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...

Not a movie review. It is just a statement that lays testament to what I have been witnessing lately. I have seen the good in people, the bad in those same people, and the just plain ugly. Sadly, I know that I too have shown my good, bad and ugly side to others. Oh how I hate to admit that. Makes my spine trickle and I hate it. You know who witnesses our good, bad and ugly the most? Our spouse. Bless my poor husbands soul...little did he know just how emotional a girl can be and when. He does have a way of making it through my ugly days and still has the ability to see my good through all the bad and ugly. I like to think I am equally blessed with this ability with him. As a teacher my kiddos sometimes get to see the good, bad and ugly too. I work very hard at keeping the ugly hidden, but have probably dropped the ball on that a few times. I can't recall any specific scenario right now, but could be wrong. What I really hate is when children are put in the crossfire of some truly UGLY scenarios. I always always always work to avoid this. I have to credit my awesome husband for helping me with this. I wasn't always as cautious and careful with my feelings about certain people, but he was relentless in his quest to calm my storm and to teach me that I can always vent to him...but never out loud in front of kiddos. It wasn't because I was not concerned with the kiddos...I was just so enveloped in anger and resentment that sometimes I overflowed...and he was always there to calm the beast and I am forever thankful. I have recently seen what a blessing that was. Hearing kids talk of what the adults in their house are saying and how it is effecting them is heartbreaking. I shudder to think if I ever did that...and so happy I have learned to quiet my anger. Never ever should the kiddos feel the pain, anger, and torture we feel. That is our burden to handle not theirs. When people get married I hope they marry someone who brings out the best in them. Someone who can handle the bad and ugly and always cultivate the good. I am so incredibly lucky to have married my best friend, someone who knows the darkest pits of my life, someone who is responsible for so much of the sunshine, someone who has suffered pain and agony himself, someone who sees me for me regardless of what state I am in...my soul mate. When you are feeling bad, I hope you have someone to help you out. When you are feeling ugly , I hope you have someone to reign in the monster. When you are feeling good, I hope you have someone there to be witness and to encourage it further.

Why oh Why!

I was reminded today that my blog has been neglected. So here I am with much to say! First off my life has been sort of a journey of peaks and valleys and sometimes those things actually coincide. Strange I know but true. I can be experiencing utter disappointment and hate revolving around a part of my life I wish I could escape, and yet at the same time be happier than ever with where I am headed and who I am with. Truth is that until today I had actually been on a peak for a solid week with nothing on my mind but the sheer amazement of answered prayers and the unexplainable excitement of being engaged to my very best friend and my first love, only real love and my last love! Although days like today may creep in its knowing what lies ahead that makes things worth it. I have tried so hard to do this or that "right". Well now I sit and wonder what do I know about what is "right"? I mean all my efforts turn to crap and then there I am going...hmmm...what just happened. The. I realize when you are dealing with people with questionable morals, secrets, vivacious minds...no good will come from playing nice. It is now time to play even. I won't stoop. I will not lie. I will. It cheat. I will NEVER play their game...but what happens now is that I won't be nice, I won't protect them, I won't be quiet, I won't let this go! I hope one day my girls will know the truth of it all. I hope they will know from my army of friends and family fighting on my behalf how nice I tried to be, how much I struggled, how much I sacrificed, how much I held back when I wanted to rage forward, how much I kept inside for fear anyone may know how much I want to play their game. It know in my heart I can't and won't. Nope. I will walk away from this war with my integrity which they lost long ago. My oh my...ready to sleep and dream of happy days with the one I love and leave the stress of battle for another time. Life truly is short. Every day counts. I hope we all fight for what we believe but do it right and you will be rewarded. Love the ones you cherish...everyday...no matter what. When they may seem unlovable that is when they need it the most. Actions are better than words when you show love...but words can whisper straight to your heart leaving an imprint for day and years. Say what you feel and show how you love...always!

Truth

I think it is funny how we pretend we are okay with something or that we agree with something just to avoid conflict or to not cause any problems. I have been thinking lately that I am really over that and I am happy to be honest with people regardless of how they take it. I know for some people this new little character trait is strange and seems even rude, but really being honest is the kindest thing I can do sometimes. I would rather know the truth from someone than to have them lie to me and then find out later...it hurts worse. I just lived through someone lying to me a percentage of the time to "spare" my feelings and lets just say that no feelings were spared. So here it goes...the truth...my truth!
#1. I like chick flicks...I am a chick...its expected.
#2. I like war movies...I am a chick...this may be less expected, but true nonetheless.
#3. I hate liars.
#4. I love cuddling
#5. I love Dr. Pepper and hate Diet Coke
#6. I hate onions...and mayonaise
#7. I love purple and black...my favorite colors
#8. I hate when people smack gum, chomp ice or hard candy
#9. I like to be reminded I am loved...over and over and over. I just do!
#10. I don't trust many people...almost everyone has proven that I can't trust people. Even people I should be able to trust...its a sad reality.
#11. I love people with my whole heart...and this is dangerous.
#12. I have major insecurities from choices and situations I put myself in during my life and I wonder if I will ever get over them and if there is anyone out there truly willing to put up wiht me while I try.
#13. At this very moment I am very bitter about some things in the world and I hate feeling like that...I prefer to be happy.
#14. I feel pain for others to the point it can hurt...I can take on someone else's pain so easily...I don't know why either, but it happens. My heart literally aches and breaks for the ones I love.
#15. I am the most committed person I know...although my current situation may make it look like I have lack of committment those closest to me know that is not true at all. When I committ I committ and I will go to torchorous lengths to protect a promise.
#16. I hate to fail...at ANYTHING!
#17. I hold on too tight.
#18. I want someone to fight for me for once.
#19. I want to feel protected and safe.
#20. I want someone to fear me leaving as much as I fear them leaving.
#21. I don't like loud and annoying personalities.
#22. I love my friends
#23. I am ready to get rid of some of my "friends"
#24. I forgive too easily...but I never forget.
#25. I admire a friend of mine who has the ability to cut people out of his life because they wronged him and stick to it, because that is one quality I wish I had...the ability to truly stand up for myself.
#26. I like to work...I like to be good at my work.
#27. I am pretty simple and little things can make me happier than extravagant things
#28. I am not real girly, but yet love to be girly
#29. I miss being young
#30. I don't consider myself old...most of the time.
#31. I like to tease and be teased, but it has to stay in line.
#32. I am sensitive and so proceed with caution with me
#33. I am trying to find myself...
#34. I want to be strong enough to not need anyone
#35. I don't ever want to not need anyone...contradiction I know
#36. I like loud music
#37. I love to dance
#38. I don't ever want to get overweight
#39. I am not exactly sure what I consider overweight
#40. I love to meet new people
#41. I am highly social and love to be around people
#42. I get annoyed with people who don't like to do stuff
#43. I would like plastic surgery...
#44. I dream almost every night
#45. I have the same recurring nightmares
#46. I wish I could erase some memories and then am scared to death I might forget some
#47. I believe in true love, soul mates, fate, destiny...I am a hopeless romantic
#48. I want to be doted on
#49. I need reassurance
#50. I love cinnamon rolls.

Obviously most people know these things about me, but it is sort of fun writing it down and saying...here it is...take me or leave me...just don't lie to me. Lol. I am pretty down to earth...I love to try new things. I am scared of spiders and scared of life, but overall I am a risk-taker and I will take a risk on you if you will take one on me.

Where I am...

One thing we all go through in life is that whether we want to believe it or not, our lives affect others around us. I don't like this fact at all. I am also at a point where I realize that although it does affect them, it doesn't change where I am.
I am living my life...and I am doing it the only way I know how. You may have concerns sometimes about how or why I do the things I do, but you just have to trust that I am doing what I think is right. I don't do things recklessly...I grew out of that in 2001...haha!
I am in a place where things may not be exactly clear and that is scary, but I am learning to cope with that. As a girl who likes a plan and wants to know what lies ahead this little change of things has been the hardest to deal with. I wanna know what tomorrow looks like and five years and ten years etc. Well...right now it is a blank canvas and it is making me insane one minute and a little excited the next. Not knowing can be freeing in some ways, but I have to say the fear of it takes away the excitement rather quickly.
I am living life. I am enjoying every little piece I can. More so than I did before. Sadly I took moments and days even for granted...how ignorant of me. A friend told me recently that any day you wake up is reason to be excited. So true. I failed to live like that but am sincerely trying to.
I am learning how to be brave, getting more confidence each and every day, I am back at work and loving every minute. Fact is...I am a good worker. I love to teach, I love to do a lot of things...I think I like to feel needed. Whether that be to do a job, to be a friend, to make something, contribute...whatever...feeling needed is my largest desire right now. So hit me up if you need me...lol.
I am aware of what is going on...I am aware that two little lives are in the mix. I am aware that everything I do affects them...that is always on the front of my mind. I know my family is affected, and I even realize that my friends are being affected. Oh how appreciative I am of those who are brave enough to love me through it. I have said it before and I will say it again...you have no idea what weight a harsh judgement can have and how hard it may be to get over.
I am in a good place if you can believe that considering all that is going on. God has managed to make things fall into place around me that reminds me that "even when I can't see...I STILL BELIEVE!" I am good. I am happy.

Strickingly Familiar

There are so many things about me that seem so unfamiliar to me. I guess maybe when you are walking a certain path with only one goal in view you lose sight of all the things around you. It reminds me of when I was in college and I did my internship in Amarillo...I would drive back to Canyon in the afternoon and would all of a sudden be in Canyon and not remember one bit of the drive...I must have been daydreaming or whatever. At any rate it always freaked me out when that happened thinking..."what did I miss" or "oh my gosh I could have wrecked". Well, the last few years I have sort of lived my life the same way I used to make that drive. I had one thing I was looking at and everything else fell to the side.
Sadly one of those things I fear was my ability to parent the way I should. I spent so much time focusing on keeping the house clean, the yard mowed, the groceries bought, the activities situated, etc...that I failed to spend more time just enjoying it. I will admit that we did have our fun and that I tried my best, but I know I could have done better. I could have made those times at home more fun, put more effort into them in the moment than in planning for a moment. I look back and really cherish when mom and I took them to Albaquerque to the fair this year. Poor Kaytlee was sick and we almost cancelled, but I am so glad we didn't. We had a blast eating, swimming, doing all those fun fair things...and both girls were just amazing. They loved the excitement and the attention...I am hoping to keep building awesome memories like that with them, and lots more Dance Parties at home, girly movies, pit fun, etc. The last few months have been amazing.
Another thing I neglected to notice or take care of were my friendships. I know there were a few that I was able to keep a slight grasp on, but I know there are many that suffered. I know they don't judge me and that they now have better understanding of all of those cancelled plans, declined invites, etc. One of my greatest joys and biggest blessings are my friends...I love them so much. I take a lot of pride in the friendships I have made over the years. I always sort of stand in awe at how many people I truly consider to be a "FRIEND" and not just an acquaintance. My friends are always able to amaze me with their love and consideration to. They jump to my defense as I do theirs, they cry with me, laugh with me, and they don't forget me. I have been so lucky to have all of these people in my life right now and look forward to years and years of more memories with each of them.
My family also took a beating over the years. I tried to fix it though. I did realize this earlier than maybe I cared to the other areas. I tried to visit home more to spend time with my brother and his family and let him know that I love him and missed my "home". I do lots of stuff with my mom because lets face it she is my best friend as far as that goes, and she is always the first in line when something great or grave happens in my life. Still I think she too felt a little neglected and well I can't even own up to the neglect that mamaw took. I used to be able to visit so much more and I am definitely gonna get that remedied asap! I love to go do her hair and nails and just listen to her stories of how she loved my Daddy-Bud, about her life in business college, going to Washington to work during the war, and so much more. She is truly facinating.
Well here I am on this journey and I have finally looked up and I see exactly where I am at. I have my eyes on the mark, but I also see the scenery this time. I notice those around me, I notice the effects of things around me, I see good and I see bad. I see joy and I see pain. Now I have to pay close attention to all of these things and take care of them so that I don't have to feel that panic of arriving at the wrong destination with no recollection of how I got there.
First step is to allow myself to realize I only have one shot at living my life. I may even have only one road to travel...yet how I travel and how I get there is up to me. I don't wanna hold out any more from people I love. I don't want to pretend things are perfect when they aren't, I don't want to miss opportunities, I don't want to be in constant preparation for things to go badly. These are things I am so accustomed to I don't really even know how to change. I simply can't live on eggshells waiting for the end of something and miss out on the whole experience. No one deserves that...especially ME! You heard me...I said me. I finally feel like I am getting to that place where for once I have an opinion and I feel like I possibly deserve something.
I may not make the best of choices all the time, but the ones I make have a reason. I am going to make sure that in the future of my life that I always make decisions with my eyes fully open to everything in front, around and even sometimes behind me in mind. I will not go forth in a daze any longer.
Funny thing about this is...now that I am looking around me...some things look strikingly familiar...now how is that possible?

It REALLY hurts!

What hurts? Life freaking hurts! I am on this strange roller coaster right now where I am at the peak of happiness because I have a chance to do something I have literally spent 15 years wondering about. Then I have to deal with these ridiculous valleys filled with drama from a place I don't wanna be dealing with people I don't want to deal with.
I teeter between pure bliss and pure torture and I struggle to make sure I keep the two worlds separate. Here is the thing...I only want one world...I want the safety and the joy that his love gives me. I literally haven't felt so at peace. It's my happy place.
Its why I can't live in this hurtful place much longer. I have kept quiet, I hold back, I push it all in with all my might...but I can feel it bubbling over...I can't take much more. It's like the scars are being ripped open and new wounds keep forming and I can't seem to stop it.
I am at a point where I can't allow these valleys to creep in when I am at the peak. I have to distance myself as much as possible for as long as it takes for me to become me again...not just when I am safe...but all the time. I can't let this bump in the road knock me down. Nope! I have too much to be excited about...
To anyone else riding a roller coaster...maybe letting go of that extra baggage will allow us to stay on the peaks!!!

Reality Vacation

I would love to be able to take a "reality vacation". I want to escape the world with all of its issues...the details, the schedules, the bills, the pain, the worry, the stress, the work. I want to just go away, somewhere where the world can't find me. I want to dream...and in order to I need to sleep. I want to take a mental break. I want to pretend that my life is normal. I don't want to worry about when I have my kids, when I see people, what days are this and what days are that.

I sort of wonder if I will ever reach "normal". I don't consider myself to be that normal as a person anyway and so to assume I would actually obtain a level of normalcy may seem far fetched anyway.

I do know a couple things that I don't need a vacation from:
moving forward
getting stronger
being happy
being loved

I know everything else may be heavy on me sometimes, but I try really hard not to let those things get in the way of the important things. Knowing that when I have my girls that we have fun. That I can't wait to take them places and show them things because that is one of my favorite memories as a child. I loved going on trips to the mountains, to the races, to meets, etc. We were always on the go. Heck even as a teacher I was always trying to haul kids around places. I am excited that I get to expose them to new things, new environments, new people, new attitudes, etc. Already they are able to see change and they are embracing it...PTL!!!!

I have decided to take a vacation in some aspects... I can't always be chasing, fixing, clinging...maybe I need to let go and let others want to chase, fix, or cling to me. I am vacationing from the mental torture that makes me constantly fixate problems onto someone who isn't deserving. I have to hold my demons back until they decide to disappear. I can't project those haunted halls to those around me.

I may not be able to take a true vacation from my reality, but I can choose to take some mini-vacations from the chaos. I can concentrate on the amazing additions to my life that make me smile from the bottom of my heart...bring me true happiness. I can set back and look in wonderment at the beautiful soul that is before me and just treasure it. God is Good! All the Time!